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Jokes
Nervous Priest
A nervous new priest asked the church monsignor
for advice on giving mass. The monsignor replied, "when I am nervous,
I put a glass of vodka on the pulpit and take a sip." So next Sunday
he took the monsignor's advice. Upon his return to his office after mass,
he found the following note on the door: For next time:
1. Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
2 . Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
3 . We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "late JC".
4 . The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
5 . Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Copyright 2003
Neila Stewart
Web Page Editor: Neila Stewart
Created on December 3, 2003
The Top Ten Indicators that your employer has changed to a cheaper HMO:
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include: "Take a left when
you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage, is "an
apple a day."
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.
4. The guideline that reads "The patient is responsible for 200%
of out-of-network-charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense that is covered 100% - is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with
little M's on them.
1. You ask for Viagra, and you get a Popsicle stick & duct tape
Things I've learned from Children
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill
a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
1 2. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
1 3. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.