Alysia Abbott

Checklist For a Long and Happy Life

1. If you eat every ice cube in every beverage you drink then the loud noise made from your teeth crushing the ice will scare away all of the bugs and germs that live in recesses of your body and you will live a long long happy life.

2. If you wait until after your morning shower to flush your first pee of the day then your pee with glow yellow with pride and appreciation and to thank you for your respect will flush out all of the toxins from your body ensuring that you live a long long happy life.

3. If you separate your whites and darks each time you do laundry then you will build community among your clothes, prevent fabric racial tensions, successfully get your whites "their whitest" and you'll live a long long happy life.

4. If you take care to never kill any insects, then the insects you save will tell their friends that you are "one of the good ones" and when the apocalypse finally comes or whenever the insects get really organized and take over the world, whichever comes first, then you will be spared the bloody massacre of humans and (if you play your cards right you) might even be elected king and live a long long happy life.

5. If you give your seat to every little old lady you meet, then one day one of these little old ladies may be a rich, lonely, little old lady who will leave you her dead rich husband's fortune which you will use to buy beautiful clothes and cars and houses and you will meet a beautiful woman and you will live a long happy life together. But, if this little old lady's rich dead husband made his fortune off the blood, sweat, and tears of innocents, then you will inherit not only his money but also his bad karma and you'll discover the beautiful woman you married only wanted you for your money and she's been cheating on you for years, making fun of you behind your back, and sometimes to your face, and you'll die miserable and alone. take root in the land.

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