Kenneth Goldsmith

from Soliloquy

She hates you to this day. Monique hates you. You'd never even know. Wanna bet? She couldn't deal with Cheryl after that the fact they saw the same doctor. Yeah, it's like seeing somebody at the gay bath house. Would that be an embarrassment? I mean, well, Stefano you're here? Kenny, you're here? Oh, she's not too bright. Don't Mary Jo we have too much weird history, yeah. That you know who? Oh, I can't believe Mary Jo doesn't know her. Everybody knows everybody here. How is it that Mary Jo does not know Andrea Zittel? Really. She's famous. Sure she's a famous, yeah, she's a very famous artist. The queen of fashion, yeah. The best story the best story I've ever heard about Jerry was that like one time years ago when Cary Leibowitz was hot, right, had his first Stux show and he was really ragingly hot and he had a party at a McDonald's downtown like at Wall St. and and and everybody was going and Jerry came a little bit late and he knocked on the door and the guard wouldn't let him in. He thought he was some schmuck going to get a burger! He and Jerry never got into that party they turned him away! No, that was Cary's sense of sense of iron irony. A bizarre man. Rook. Named Rook. So so Aki's a friend of yours. What happened to Rick Franklin finally? I haven't heard just just update. I want a quick update on Rick Franklin. I know she dropped him cause it was too much for her to deal with I know that. Where is Rick? Where is Rain Man? Really? Really? He made Rain Man art after his accident match. I knew him before the accident. I knew him before the accident. He was a bright guy. She did, oh, I know, well it was taxing on her. I saw ri I saw Rick at a Merce Cunningham concert and he and it was so ... I like him I like him. Just rip guys. It's how you say it, yeah. So she dumps Rain Man, what happens? I knew him he used to work for Robert Longo, this whole group of people I knew. Work for Longo. Rick was. Oh, I like Michael. He's a bright guy. Who's Pam? I knew Michael then. Michael was a funny guy. OK, see. See see, uh, Rick Franklin I'll tell you what was I'll tell you what was the problem with Rick Franklin and and knock and the knock on the cured him. He was a he was a really really really mushy Leftist. And it. He was like he was a total like dopey anarchist, you know, like like yeah. Aki was hanging out with the World War 3 people and Rick was in on that and he was really his politics were just totally annoying. He had no after the knock after the knock on the head there were no politics. Seriously that was it. I like him a little bit better he was really annoying, man, I mean his fucking Leftist shit was I mean I don't have anything against Leftists it's just this brand of he was East Village anarchy. What the name of that band? What was the name of that? Missing Foundation. Remember Missing Foundation. This was this was. Oh, they were like these stupid like like Tompkins Square Park anarchists that Rick and Aki allied with. Save the park? Yeah. Oh, I didn't understand it. Now I get it. Oh my god. Clear the parks, mate. Oh god. Clear the park. Oh bummer. Bummer. Aw god. Rick Rick was even worse. He was even worse. Michael Minelli was never Michael was never had politics. See this was the old days when we were hanging out at ABC No Rio and Longo was like curating nights there and and and all these assistants of his which were Rick. Uh uh. So, how is Michael Minelli? I mean I haven't seen that whole group I haven't seen in years but I like I just ... right, it was like they were all living in their communally back in the day of Robert Longo. It was Rick, Aki, Mike, there was this guy also that you probably never heard of named Nick Arbatsky. Sure you never heard of Nick. He dropped out he did a Alaskan oil spill project his big claim to fame he had this big fund-raiser so when the Titanic crashed out there in the waters the oil spilled all over the Valdez he went up there with canvases, right? Everybody chipped in he had a big party. He went up there with canvases to try to make like oil Valdez soaked. And he came back, man, and this. That was a good idea. And then he had a coming back party so he could show what he got. And the guy comes back with like, we figured he would have like these dripping, rich canvases, you know, like birds plastered. They were like these canvases he kind of drew on a little bit and and and. No no there was no tar. It was the most like like Helen Frankenthaler washes and it was his impressions in it and that was it for Nick, man, that was the last you ever heard of Nick. Nick was like like like pegged to be the next huge thing in those days too because of that project. And and the Village Voice might have written something about him. So, have you read the Voice since it's free? I I hate the Voice. When did we stop reading the Voice what year? Yeah. Everybody once, yeah yeah. Well we picked it up because it was free and it's the same thing. It's like a cliché. Oh my god, yeah. Much better. We like Time Out. Yeah, the ad is good. Yeah. They're very good. Or the one with the ... Yeah, I remember that I remember that. They're very good. The other good one was was was long walks in the park lots of friends and sometimes your dog has a better life than you do. Are they better than the Dewars ads? But we we have to like the men's group one. I love the. No no not the goatee thing I know you liked that one. The hugging the tree the tree hugging one? I love that one with these big fat guys bang in business suits banging drums. Doing yeah yeah. They're they're sort of clever. This ought of fit. Artificial. Yeah they're they're women at Cybersuds the other night didn't like those ads. They thought they were very misogynist. Or the other one was like honey if you can answer honey do I look fat in this then you're ready for. See ah that's good. Oh oh oh, OK. It's a picture of a woman looking in the mirror looking really upset and and and the type says and the types says if you can handle honey do I look fat in this then you can our drink or something. Right. Right. Right. And every man has to hear that. Yeah. Then you can deal with our drink, yeah. Well, no this particular aspect of your woman. Well, yeah, but then yeah, like yeah honey you look good. I like that I get cause obviously obviously this is something that Janet ne never says. This is something you never say. You never put an outfit on look in the mirror and say Stefano do I look fat? Right. So you should have gotten the ad then. Obviously she doesn't cause you don't cause you didn't get the ad cause she doesn't say that. Oh man. Like anywhere from two hours to four hours. The best thing is not mine, man. C'mon. Let's go. It doesn't take four hours to brush your teeth though. How long does it take to wash to wash the face? Cheryl sits there with like with like scissors snipping at little bits of her hair like the minutiae on her hair like like a like an eighth of an inch from somewhere every night. Let's make this personal. Do you have an eyelash curler? No. Who's Quian. That Quian, oh god. What do you mean she did the makeup for you? Oh and you know her through Ashley? But at this point was she with Curran or? Well, who's she with now. Now John's with that John's with that ridiculous. John is with the guy that that. No, no her name is not Gretchen. The woman who used to work at Bar Six. There you go. Where she did the plantings. No but that was a show where my piece fell off the wall too. I was in the, uh, Dan's and I got a call from you guys saying you're piece is falling off the wall because it was, uh, summertime and the tape was all coming off the I had to come in and staple it yeah, I do remember that thing. That woman is just insane that John's with. Yeah, she is plastic, yeah, that's a good way of putting it. Yeah, she's plastic, yeah. You have seen her she. Really those legs. Oh you've seen her, yeah. Cheryl what is her name? She studied with Suzanne at Columbia? No, it's not Gretchen Stefano. What was her what was the name of that very expensive, uh, boutique on Wooster St.? No no no APC's on Mercer. Wooster between Prince and Spring the one on the one on the west the east side of the street next to Stephane Kelian? Comme De Garçon. John I'll never forget John Currin like like finally sold a painting and and and spent the entire dough on one Comme de Garçon t-shirt and had the gall to wear it inside out so that the label was sticking outside. It was like a nine hundred dollar t-shirt. Fucking bunch of assholes. We hung out with those guys for a while, oh what a bunch of losers. God. They were the worst. Now I have I have an APC suit nothing wrong with APC. Yeah. That's great. Stefan Stefano loved it. I have this story that you're gonna adore. I went to APC I buy this suit it's like a 3000 dollar suit on sale for like 400 dollars or something. And it's really baggy, you know, it's like one of these real like well, you can describe it. It's really cool and it's really kind of big and kind of boxy. Very boxy. But not not sort of architectural, kind of organic boxy. So, anyway, it is a little big for me I need the sleeves taken up I need the pants cuffed and so I'm roaming around SoHo I'm like, where should I bring this thing, I was like oh, I have a great idea. I'll go to that really old world Italian tailor underneath 303, right? He's he'll understand this is like a cool Italian suit. Well the man, but the man doesn't speak a word of English. So I bring the suit in to him and I'm like, OK, I'm sure he'll do a great job. He takes it and he starts like pinching here and doing this and I and I don't think much of it, you know, he starts pinching here and the whole thing is like, you know, yeah yeah yeah he's mumbling to himself and starts like taking the pants and like pinching it like major, you know, and I was like, oh, I guess he knows what he's doing, you know, he knows what he's doing. And I go home and I tell Cheryl what he did and basically Cheryl translated it into he's trying to make it into a three piece Wall St. suit this is. Well it's like I go home it's like it's like midnight and I say oh, I brought my suit into the tailor shop I told Cheryl. Cheryl makes me pick up the phone at midnight and of course we call the guy there. And of course, he's not there, so Cheryl says we have to go up there right now and get that suit away from him. We start ringing the buzzer at like 12:30 right there and of course it's like August and nobody's in the streets. I mean it's like 95 degrees. We wake up the alarm goes off at like 6 a.m. Cheryl goes we gotta get that suit. We stood there pounding on the guy's doorbell finally waiting for him. He finally shows up and then we finally like Cheryl's like we want our suit back. He didn't cut up the suit and fortunately it was safe but man, do you know this guy? And. Two hundred, yes, and you were speaking Italian with him and he ... what do you speak it to dogs? Yeah, what do you mean you don't speak but what why don't you why you don't speak to people who are native Italian speakers? But if you sense that they're native Italian speakers. Why, cause don't you feel like you could, you know, cosine, get a kind of cosine, get a kind of a ... No because if you ... That's why that's why I asked you for a good Italian restaurant. But I figure you you could go into this guy this Guiseppe the tailor and you could work it up in Italian and you could get it ...

This is an excerpt from a much longer work. The complete work will be published as Soliliquy later in 2001 by Granary Books.

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